Hi friend,

This week’s episode is a little different. My guest is someone I haven’t talked to in about 25 years, and I’ll admit I wasn’t sure how it would feel to pick up a conversation that long after it left off.

Lyndsey and I were friends back in elementary school. The last time I saw her, I was the receptionist at a nursing center and she was on a break in the lunchroom, and we were still teenagers! Now she’s a practicing nurse working in advocacy, living on a homestead in Huntsville, Alabama, with her husband and her 12-year-old son. And I’ve always loved her name.

This episode also has a second thread. Ten months ago, Lyndsey and her husband lost their other son. So after our usual eight questions about names, I asked her about grief, as I have been experiencing grief in different ways this year, and am wanting to learn more about it.

Named after a tree?

Lyndsey already knew the basics. Her name started as an English surname from a place associated with linden trees. As a teenager she thought being “named after a tree” was kind of weird. Her parents’ reasons were simple. They liked it. They wanted a name that couldn’t be shortened to “Sam,” and everyone was naming their daughters Heather.

The name hit number 35 in the U.S. in 1984, the year she was born. She graduated with at least two other Lyndseys.

So I dug into the linden tree for her. Trees symbolize life, growth, and strength. The linden specifically symbolizes love, truth, community, justice, and protection. Her reaction: “Those are all things that I hope to be.”

Wendy!

Her name gets mangled in a very specific way. When she worked as a nursing assistant in high school and college, elderly patients would holler “Wendy!” down the hallway. She’d have to ask who Wendy was. (It was her.) She also spelled it L-Y-N-D-S-E-Y, so she never found a license plate with her name on it. Anyone with a nonstandard spelling knows that one.

“Hope to be.”

I asked my favorite question. Does the meaning of your name have any relevance on how you act, or how you see the world?

Her answer was honest and a little humble. She said she definitely hopes to be those things. Then she told me she has always had an innate sense of wanting justice for people who are underserved, and that she has always been protective of the elderly and of kids. Going into nursing, she says, she has “always innately been a caretaker.” That’s the takeaway I want you to hold onto.

Most of us hear the meaning of our name as a description. Lyndsey hears hers as a list of hopes.

A description is something you either are or aren’t. A hope is something you keep working toward.

If you’re lucky, your name gives you something to aim at. And if you’ve already lived into it without noticing, it’s worth stopping to see that.

Who God says you are now.

I asked about Genesis, where Abram becomes Abraham and Sarai becomes Sarah. She noted that Hebrew names always mean something. She sees the renaming as part obedience, “this is what you’re going to be called now,” and part identity, “this is who God says you are now.” Then she pointed to Saul becoming Paul and Simon becoming Peter. Her closing line is the one I keep coming back to: this is who you are now, not what your past or anything else is dictating.

Grief

I want to be careful here, because Lyndsey was generous and open, and her words deserve to be passed on as she said them.

A few things stood out.

• Please don’t say “let me know what you need.”

Lyndsey said she doesn’t know what she needs, and that the offer puts the work back on the grieving person. Instead, make a specific offer: “I’m bringing dinner Tuesday or Wednesday, which works better?”

• Sit with them.

She pointed to Job’s friends, who did well until they opened their mouths. Sometimes the kindest thing is a text that says “I was thinking about you today.” Knowing the dates that matter helps too.

• There’s a haze at first.

She said she tends to be put together in the moment and then falls apart afterward, and that grief “moves differently” as time goes on.

• The fear of forgetting is real.

You worry you’ll forget a voice, a name, a sound, and you never feel like you have enough pictures or videos.

• She finds peace in gratitude and prayer.

She told me you can’t have fear and gratitude at the same time, and that hard conversations with God are okay because He can handle them.

If someone you love is grieving, you don’t need the perfect words. You just need to show up and be specific.

Two things to try this week…

1. Replace “let me know what you need.” Think of someone who is grieving and make one specific offer, with a date, a meal, or a ride.

2. Remember a date. Put a loved one’s birthday or anniversary in your calendar, and when it comes, send a text to the people who miss them. A simple “thinking of you today” can land harder than you’d expect.

Thank you, Lyndsey, for trusting me and my audience with something this tender. I’ll always be praying for you and your family.

Until next time,

Jayma (aka your "Paradigm Shifter")